We all hit barriers when we are learning something new. Even when it is something we love and want, we eventually get to a point where it gets difficult and we have to figure out how to solve a problem or get past a setback. Sometimes it is a problem to be solved, sometimes it is a mental barrier. Sometimes it is just fear. HOW we look at the barriers and what we do to get past them matters. But it is often unspoken - we do not explicitly teach that skill. We use words like 'grit' and 'resilience' but it is often learned with experience and trial and error. It can be learned with a relationship with a mentor or coach. It rarely happens in isolation. 

On the surface, the internet has solved a lot of those barriers. We can now Google and YouTube almost everything. We can literally put a line of nonsense on a search box and find the answers.
However, along with that information comes shame. If - in spite of all of the information out there - we still cannot seem to move past the barriers - we feel intense shame. We feel like we are not good enough. We are embarrassed to actually ask a human for help because we "should" be able to figure it out ourselves. We have the world at our fingertips - it has now become our own fault if we cannot overcome a challenge. Some of this embarrassment and shame is conscious but a great deal of it is unconscious. It is inherent that we all should be able to figure out anything that we want to do. 

Remember the food courts? The 20+ small restaurants offering a selection of different cuisines? Well, cuisine may be a stretch, but there was an insane amount of food. The idea was that everyone in the family could get exactly what they wanted. Choose your food - no argument about where to eat. Brilliant. But not for all. 
Every single time I go to a food court, I end up leaving with nothing. I cannot decide. The choices are overwhelming and I know that even though a lot of them look great - I will most likely be disappointed with what I get. I go through what I have always thought of as choice exhaustion. I see so much that looks good - I panic inside and freeze. I cannot choose. I feel the same way at the Cheesecake Factory. That menu is WAY too big. I have a feeling similar to panic. It is intense enough that I choose not to go to restaurants or food courts. I know myself and I want none of that. 

I see young people with choice exhaustion in their lives. Every choice in the world is literally in their hands every day. Social media allows them to see the world. It makes them think that the rest of the world has it figured out and that they are all doing incredible things - all of the time. Other people look successful and happy and connected. The internet dupes them into believing that things are easy - or should be easy. After all - you have everything in front of you - just look for it and you will be able to do it. So then comes the intense shame. 

"Am I just stupid? This should be easy."
"Maybe I am just lazy like people have told me."
"I have everything I need and want - why do I still feel sad?"
"Maybe if I were smarter, taller, better looking, more motivated..." 
"Everyone else can do this - why can't I just get it done?"

Adults have things in our life that we know we should be doing better. My list is long. I should always be managing my clutter better. I should do my laundry before it is overwhelming. I should clean out my car every week. I honestly could go on and on. We ALL have this list. Young adults don't know that. They see us as having freedom and choices. They do not get the gift of seeing how clueless we all were at that age. Our own memory of ourselves is often distorted. Kids don't see how many times we could not figure something out and either made a mistake or missed an opportunity. 

So what do we do? As usual - we talk to our kids. We bring them into this discussion. We model for them what we do when things are hard. We gently talk to them about barriers and how we can support them in working past the hard parts. We work very hard at NOT saying, "I told you so..." We would never get angry at a toddler for not having a full vocabulary at the age of 2. We never get mad at a plant for not growing fast enough. This development is similar. Everyone grows and learns differently. Growth cannot happen with fear. We must be able to walk side by side with them and work through the normal and natural parts of struggle. 

Remember - not one human learns and grows from shame and embarrassment. Some people get angry and aggressive and turn the anger outwards. Some people turn inward and blame themselves. No one says, "This is going to motivate me to figure it out and be better." 

When a quarterback has a bad game, they fly in 7 coaches to support him so that he can improve before the next game. People put their energy into the solutions and support. When our kids make mistakes, we need to lean in and build our relationship up with them so that we can influence them into success. People who feel better, do better. ❤

The more time I spend in schools and with families post-pandemic shut down, I realize that many of us have forgotten that SCHOOL IS SUPPOSED TO BE HARD! Learning something new is uncomfortable. Learning a lot of new things is really uncomfortable.
During the pandemic, our kids were in our house safe and secure. We could control most things in their lives. A lot of us lightened up on rules because we felt badly about the situation. In my home, screen time was loosened up and I was more lenient on a lot of things. I was so concerned about my boys not seeing their friends, I allowed more gaming. Life got very comfortable at home - mainly because it was so uncomfortable in many ways. We didn't let the world into our world for a very long time. 
Going back to school was a difficult transition for adults and kids. I remember the first 2 weeks back at school feeling very awkward. I could not remember a lot of the habits that had been a part of my daily life. I missed my dog, I missed my refrigerator, mostly I missed my pajama pants. Kids missed their gaming, their animals, and being able to eat whenever they wanted to eat. 
When kids went back to school, they looked at all adults like they look at their parents. They assume that every adult loves them so much that any behavior is ok and will be forgiven with puppy eyes. I came up with a humorous lesson called, "I am not your mama" for 6th grade boys. They loved it and their behavior improved. We have to treat other adults with a different type of respect than we do our own family. 
Teachers are trained to push our children harder than parents do. It is their job. So many of my friends talk about past teachers that pushed them harder than they wanted them to - but it worked. They were kind and firm - and they had high expectations. It was uncomfortable, but with the teacher's belief and persistence, they accomplished more than they thought they ever could. Those are the teachers we remember. Those are the teachers that made a difference. 
Spend time talking to your kids about the fact that learning is supposed to be hard. School is not a party nor is it entertainment. There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days - and mostly there are work days. True learning is repeating a lot of stuff over and over again. Learning is uncomfortable. Most adults stop doing it as soon as possible because it is hard. We need to teach our kids to ask for support and do their part to reach for goals that will benefit THEM. When teachers push you to learn - they are expressing care and love for you. They believe in you. 
School is supposed to be hard.